Friday, October 31, 2003
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Must remain calm and not show the crazy. Fear is the little death, fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death, fear is the mind-killer.
Om mani padme hummmmmm.
Om mani padme hummmmmm.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Its been an eventful week; 3 dates--with the same man. Remarkably good. The workplace, not so much. I will explore that a little more over the next couple of days. In the meantime, here's something interesting regarding the psyche of physicians from over at Medpundit. To a large extent, this list is applicable to veterinarians too.
And there's this summation of the doctor personality:
Docs are very career-focused, and fit into the corporate/medical/academic world quite naturally. They are constantly scanning their environment for potential problems which they can turn into solutions. They generally see things from a long-range perspective, and are usually successful at identifying plans to turn problems around - especially problems of a strategic nature. Docs are usually successful, because they are so driven to leadership. They're tireless in their efforts on the job, and driven to visualize where an organization is headed. For these reasons, they are natural leaders.
There is not much room for error in the world of Doc. They dislike to see mistakes repeated, and have no patience with inefficiency. They may become quite harsh when their patience is tried in these respects, because they are not naturally tuned in to people's feelings, and more than likely don't believe that they should tailor their judgments in consideration for people's feelings. Docs have difficulty seeing things from outside their own perspective. Docs naturally have little patience with people who do not see things the same way as they do. Doc needs to consciously work on recognizing the value of other people's opinions, as well as the value of being sensitive towards people's feelings. In the absence of this awareness, Doc can be a forceful, intimidating and overbearing individual. Doc has a tremendous amount of personal power and presence which will work for him as a force towards achieving their goals. However, this personal power is also an agent of alienation and self-aggrandizement.
Docs are very forceful, decisive individuals. They make decisions quickly, and are quick to verbalize their opinions and decisions to the rest of the world. A Doc who has developed in a generally less than ideal way may become dictatorial and abrasive - intrusively giving orders and direction without a sound reason for doing so, and without consideration for the people involved.
Although Docs are not naturally tuned into other people's feelings, these individuals frequently have very strong sentimental streaks. Often these sentiments are very powerful to the Doc, although they will likely hide it from general knowledge, believing the feelings to be a weakness. Because the world of feelings and values is not where Doc naturally functions, they may sometimes make value judgments and hold onto submerged emotions which are ill-founded and inappropriate, and will cause them problems - sometimes rather serious problems.
And there's this summation of the doctor personality:
Docs are very career-focused, and fit into the corporate/medical/academic world quite naturally. They are constantly scanning their environment for potential problems which they can turn into solutions. They generally see things from a long-range perspective, and are usually successful at identifying plans to turn problems around - especially problems of a strategic nature. Docs are usually successful, because they are so driven to leadership. They're tireless in their efforts on the job, and driven to visualize where an organization is headed. For these reasons, they are natural leaders.
There is not much room for error in the world of Doc. They dislike to see mistakes repeated, and have no patience with inefficiency. They may become quite harsh when their patience is tried in these respects, because they are not naturally tuned in to people's feelings, and more than likely don't believe that they should tailor their judgments in consideration for people's feelings. Docs have difficulty seeing things from outside their own perspective. Docs naturally have little patience with people who do not see things the same way as they do. Doc needs to consciously work on recognizing the value of other people's opinions, as well as the value of being sensitive towards people's feelings. In the absence of this awareness, Doc can be a forceful, intimidating and overbearing individual. Doc has a tremendous amount of personal power and presence which will work for him as a force towards achieving their goals. However, this personal power is also an agent of alienation and self-aggrandizement.
Docs are very forceful, decisive individuals. They make decisions quickly, and are quick to verbalize their opinions and decisions to the rest of the world. A Doc who has developed in a generally less than ideal way may become dictatorial and abrasive - intrusively giving orders and direction without a sound reason for doing so, and without consideration for the people involved.
Although Docs are not naturally tuned into other people's feelings, these individuals frequently have very strong sentimental streaks. Often these sentiments are very powerful to the Doc, although they will likely hide it from general knowledge, believing the feelings to be a weakness. Because the world of feelings and values is not where Doc naturally functions, they may sometimes make value judgments and hold onto submerged emotions which are ill-founded and inappropriate, and will cause them problems - sometimes rather serious problems.
Saturday, October 18, 2003
well as at least some of you know...i stand mum on the subject of my date; so as not to piss off the relationship gods. it is going remarkably well....and that is all i have to say about that...pass the box of chocolates.
Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
| ISTP - "Artisan". Impulsive action. Life should be of impulse rather than of purpose. Action is an end to itself. Fearless, craves excitement, master of tools. 5.4% of total population. |
Thursday, October 16, 2003
a really good first date. waiting for the other shoe to drop.
and via medpundit, why a broken heart hurts so much; meet your anterior cingulate gyrus.
and via medpundit, why a broken heart hurts so much; meet your anterior cingulate gyrus.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
new date tonight. we'll see what pops up. what'll it be this time? third eye? nose-picking habit? hairy back? malcolm x follower?
we'll see.
we'll see.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
The Pope will not be getting the Nobel Prize for Peace this year; as it is not awarded posthumously, it is likely he will never recieve it. This has aroused ire in some. However, the Pope supporst a regime that, during his administration, has been rocked with the uncovering of pedophilia scandals, and lately, idiocy that will result in the untimely and brutal deaths of millions of sub-Sahran Africans.
Did Stalin get or deserve the prize? How 'bout Nixon? See this NY Times article for details.
Did Stalin get or deserve the prize? How 'bout Nixon? See this NY Times article for details.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Matt Groening (1954 - ), "Life in Hell"
Matt Groening (1954 - ), "Life in Hell"
Qui custodiat custodians?
Who will protect us from the police?
Yes, I got a speeding ticket---for doing 40 in a 35!!!! And of course, not wearing my seatbelt.
....I'm a little bitter.....
Who will protect us from the police?
Yes, I got a speeding ticket---for doing 40 in a 35!!!! And of course, not wearing my seatbelt.
....I'm a little bitter.....
Fan Fuckin' tastic., the Vatican is dictating death to the masses in sub-Saharan Africa with its not-so-new policy of discouraging birth control.
In this case it is an outright lie from Vatican spokesman Cardinal Trujillo who states "...condoms are ineffective barriers to the HIV virus....they have tiny holes the virus can pass through...It's obvious..."
And thank you Professor of Virology and Plastics. Oh wait, you don't even understand basic scientific theory, what? a man in the sky told you? psst, boys, get the straitjacket, this one's not all there
From the people who burned Galileo for heresy....DEATH FOR ALL!!!
In this case it is an outright lie from Vatican spokesman Cardinal Trujillo who states "...condoms are ineffective barriers to the HIV virus....they have tiny holes the virus can pass through...It's obvious..."
And thank you Professor of Virology and Plastics. Oh wait, you don't even understand basic scientific theory, what? a man in the sky told you? psst, boys, get the straitjacket, this one's not all there
From the people who burned Galileo for heresy....DEATH FOR ALL!!!
a couple of stooopid quizzes.
You are Beef Flavor! You are one classy individual!
People really respect you, and go to you for
advice, but they are also secretly jealous of
you. If you were a spreadable food substance
for a cracker, you'd be caviar. You're probably
also really good a math. And you've got a great
fashion sense! Could it get any better for you?
What flavor of Ramen are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Legardored is your Vampire name.
You are one hell of an insane Vampire. Anyone who
messes with you is out of their minds.
To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire,
go here:
www.life-blood.cjb.net
What is your Vampire name?
brought to you by href="http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=levaored>Quizilla
You are Beef Flavor! You are one classy individual!
People really respect you, and go to you for
advice, but they are also secretly jealous of
you. If you were a spreadable food substance
for a cracker, you'd be caviar. You're probably
also really good a math. And you've got a great
fashion sense! Could it get any better for you?
What flavor of Ramen are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Legardored is your Vampire name.
You are one hell of an insane Vampire. Anyone who
messes with you is out of their minds.
To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire,
go here:
www.life-blood.cjb.net
What is your Vampire name?
brought to you by href="http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=levaored>Quizilla
i swear i'm slipping back into the throes of depression again.
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Hey! anybody! If you are reading this blog, let me know! Sign the bloody guestbook!
thanx,
liz
thanx,
liz
Had a great trip this pm. Drove out along Lake Mead (unfortunately drought ridden) to a beautiful warm spring about ~1hour away. Spent a few hours paddling about, reading and eating a picnic lunch. But, I didn't put my head under water. Apparently there are deadly amoebae that live only in thermal springs. They like the sinuses (and by like I mean eat.
....and she's back....
been dealing with the hostile for the last 48 hours. family and business associates. Monday was a little slice of hell, 14 hours I'll never get back. not only did I have 5 extensive dental/oral surgery procedures to do, but also had to talk a client down off the roof after one of my "colleagues"(and I use the term lightly) offended her so much she was 1)ready to take her records and go! and 2) sobbing incoherently in her car in our parking lot for an hour.
great.
a note on veterinary clientele; as Janeanne Garofolo once said....."You can love your dog, but you shouldn't looooooove your dog." Far too many people use their pets/child-substitutes as excuses to behave absolutely abominably. No sane person would ever act the way these folks do. Another colleague pointed out yesterday that even pediatricians don't usually have it so hard.
I disagreed with her at the time, but have upon further reflection, come to believe it. You can always make another kid, you can't (cloning aside, as it has been disappointing so far, TAMU) have Johnny Bear the poodle back.
On a more personal note....
I have resorted to guerrilla warfare in the battle of will with my parents. I have called her closest family members, all of whom know nothing about her unhealthy habits, and informed them of the whole ugly enchirito. I'm certain this will cause me no end of grief, but it will 1)obviate the claim of "she was always so healthy and happy, how could this have happened" and 2)get my butt off the hot seat for being the only one telling her she is killing herself, and as often as I have wished her to go away, it was never in a box.
so there!
been dealing with the hostile for the last 48 hours. family and business associates. Monday was a little slice of hell, 14 hours I'll never get back. not only did I have 5 extensive dental/oral surgery procedures to do, but also had to talk a client down off the roof after one of my "colleagues"(and I use the term lightly) offended her so much she was 1)ready to take her records and go! and 2) sobbing incoherently in her car in our parking lot for an hour.
great.
a note on veterinary clientele; as Janeanne Garofolo once said....."You can love your dog, but you shouldn't looooooove your dog." Far too many people use their pets/child-substitutes as excuses to behave absolutely abominably. No sane person would ever act the way these folks do. Another colleague pointed out yesterday that even pediatricians don't usually have it so hard.
I disagreed with her at the time, but have upon further reflection, come to believe it. You can always make another kid, you can't (cloning aside, as it has been disappointing so far, TAMU) have Johnny Bear the poodle back.
On a more personal note....
I have resorted to guerrilla warfare in the battle of will with my parents. I have called her closest family members, all of whom know nothing about her unhealthy habits, and informed them of the whole ugly enchirito. I'm certain this will cause me no end of grief, but it will 1)obviate the claim of "she was always so healthy and happy, how could this have happened" and 2)get my butt off the hot seat for being the only one telling her she is killing herself, and as often as I have wished her to go away, it was never in a box.
so there!
Monday, October 06, 2003
Sunday, October 05, 2003
"...we are the people our parents warned us about..." J. Buffett
well, my parents, anyway. In "good daughter" mode I went for Sunday dinner at my parents house tonight. My mother had her standard Jack Daniels-rocks (theoretically a Manhattan) that is served in a tumbler. She has cut back from the time maybe 2 years ago when who would have 2, maybe three of these each night. However, still not the healthiest choice for a 60 year old woman, on high blood pressure medication, who has had 3 of her immediate family die of cardiovascular incidents. Then my father tells me three times through the course of the night how Mom is having nose bleeds again. My answers were: 1) Really? 2) Yes, that's what you said. and 3)Yeah.....
After the 3rd repeat of the information, my father tells me, "well, I just thought you would want to know." So I bit.
"Well, Dad, what am I supposed to do? She won't listen to me about her health. She refuses to exercise, or quit drinking, or eat better. She works six days a week and will not reduce her hours. She is sick all the time, tired all the time, obese, and her liver is being beaten every day by the booze. The possibility of not knowing her grandchildren doesn't seem to make a difference either."
my father interrupted me to inform Mother that she was not obese. I retaliated that she was indeed clinically obese, as she is >30% over her ideal weight. (this about the woman who said to me, less than 1 year ago, that the good thing about Rob---the abusive stalker boyfriend---was that I lost that last bit of weight when I was with him. The same woman that put me on a diet when I was a (by all remaining photographs) a perfectly normal looking 11 year old)
Mom replied that if I wouldn't take my epilepsy meds she didn't have to take care of herself. A quick note here: I had 6 seizures between 1994 and 1999. I was on medication during that time. 3 years ago (2000) I stopped my medication after long deliberate thought and research. No seizures since. No preictal episodes since.
But I digress.
To nutshell the rest of the night, I left. and received 2 calls from my father informing me that I had to Start being nicer to my Mother!!!! Not that he wanted to give me a guilt trip or anything. (his words) That She had been crying "since I left" and that was my fault.
Well, back to WASP world. In this land the criticism can only flow down the generations....not upwards. So I give up. No more Sunday dinners, no more advice...in fact, no more contact for a while.
NUTS.
well, my parents, anyway. In "good daughter" mode I went for Sunday dinner at my parents house tonight. My mother had her standard Jack Daniels-rocks (theoretically a Manhattan) that is served in a tumbler. She has cut back from the time maybe 2 years ago when who would have 2, maybe three of these each night. However, still not the healthiest choice for a 60 year old woman, on high blood pressure medication, who has had 3 of her immediate family die of cardiovascular incidents. Then my father tells me three times through the course of the night how Mom is having nose bleeds again. My answers were: 1) Really? 2) Yes, that's what you said. and 3)Yeah.....
After the 3rd repeat of the information, my father tells me, "well, I just thought you would want to know." So I bit.
"Well, Dad, what am I supposed to do? She won't listen to me about her health. She refuses to exercise, or quit drinking, or eat better. She works six days a week and will not reduce her hours. She is sick all the time, tired all the time, obese, and her liver is being beaten every day by the booze. The possibility of not knowing her grandchildren doesn't seem to make a difference either."
my father interrupted me to inform Mother that she was not obese. I retaliated that she was indeed clinically obese, as she is >30% over her ideal weight. (this about the woman who said to me, less than 1 year ago, that the good thing about Rob---the abusive stalker boyfriend---was that I lost that last bit of weight when I was with him. The same woman that put me on a diet when I was a (by all remaining photographs) a perfectly normal looking 11 year old)
Mom replied that if I wouldn't take my epilepsy meds she didn't have to take care of herself. A quick note here: I had 6 seizures between 1994 and 1999. I was on medication during that time. 3 years ago (2000) I stopped my medication after long deliberate thought and research. No seizures since. No preictal episodes since.
But I digress.
To nutshell the rest of the night, I left. and received 2 calls from my father informing me that I had to Start being nicer to my Mother!!!! Not that he wanted to give me a guilt trip or anything. (his words) That She had been crying "since I left" and that was my fault.
Well, back to WASP world. In this land the criticism can only flow down the generations....not upwards. So I give up. No more Sunday dinners, no more advice...in fact, no more contact for a while.
NUTS.
Saturday, October 04, 2003
LOVING AMERICA; BY AL FRANKEN.
Salem witch trials--bad.
Revolutionary War--good.
Slavery--bad
Ending slavery--good, but hard
Civil War Reenactments--weird
Massacring Native Americans and breaking our treaties
with them--bad
Indian casinos--?????
Child labor during the Industrial Revolution--bad
Child labor mowing lawns and baby-sitting--character-
building
Labor movement creating the weekend--good
Land grant universities--hot (go Mizzou!)
Rural electrification--hotter
Social Security--hottest!!!
Dictating pop culture to the world--mixed.
Selling Saddam Hussein chemical weapons in the
80's--In retrospect, bad.
Lousiana Purchase---bargain.
Grand Canyon--wonderful, though we really can't take
much credit for it---no, wait!
National park system--really good.
Leading human genome project--probably good
Genetically engineering super race of unstoppable
killers--bad, but probably unavoidable.
Winning WWII--WOW!!
Creating democracy in postwar Germany and Japan,
laying groundwork for European peace and prosperity in
second half of twentieth century--right on!!
The greatest generation--greatest,
"The Greatest Generation"--bestseller.
Libery--good
Justice for all--would be nice
Bill of Rights--Great!, but second amendment could
have
been clearer
Putting man on the moon--awesome, if true
Supporting vile dictatorships in Iran, Indonesia,
Iraq, Dominican Republic, Guatamala, Congo, Paraguay,
Haiti, El Salvador, Bolivia---bad.
Parades--Wholesome fun for whole family
Gay parades--exuberant expressions of individuality
often featuring highly imaginative floats and costumes
Conducting horrific medical experiments on
African-Americans in Tuskeegee--bad
Japanese internment camps--good. Wait, what were
these?
Truman Doctrine--smart
Vietnam--mistake
Winning Cold War--credit all around to postwar
Republican and Democratic presidents alike
Gross human rights violations in name of winning Cold
war--credit all around, except to Jimmy Carter
Women getting the vote--good...for women! Just
kidding, it's good for everybody.
African-Americans geting the vote--good...for
African-Americans! kidding again, good for Democrats.
Making mistakes--bad but inevitable
Correcting mistakes--good, not inevitable.
Calling those who point out mistakes
"unpatriotic"--itself unpatriotic
Owning up to our mistakes--brave
America--Home of the brave.
...From "Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them; A
Fair and Balanced Look at the Right" by Al Franken
Salem witch trials--bad.
Revolutionary War--good.
Slavery--bad
Ending slavery--good, but hard
Civil War Reenactments--weird
Massacring Native Americans and breaking our treaties
with them--bad
Indian casinos--?????
Child labor during the Industrial Revolution--bad
Child labor mowing lawns and baby-sitting--character-
building
Labor movement creating the weekend--good
Land grant universities--hot (go Mizzou!)
Rural electrification--hotter
Social Security--hottest!!!
Dictating pop culture to the world--mixed.
Selling Saddam Hussein chemical weapons in the
80's--In retrospect, bad.
Lousiana Purchase---bargain.
Grand Canyon--wonderful, though we really can't take
much credit for it---no, wait!
National park system--really good.
Leading human genome project--probably good
Genetically engineering super race of unstoppable
killers--bad, but probably unavoidable.
Winning WWII--WOW!!
Creating democracy in postwar Germany and Japan,
laying groundwork for European peace and prosperity in
second half of twentieth century--right on!!
The greatest generation--greatest,
"The Greatest Generation"--bestseller.
Libery--good
Justice for all--would be nice
Bill of Rights--Great!, but second amendment could
have
been clearer
Putting man on the moon--awesome, if true
Supporting vile dictatorships in Iran, Indonesia,
Iraq, Dominican Republic, Guatamala, Congo, Paraguay,
Haiti, El Salvador, Bolivia---bad.
Parades--Wholesome fun for whole family
Gay parades--exuberant expressions of individuality
often featuring highly imaginative floats and costumes
Conducting horrific medical experiments on
African-Americans in Tuskeegee--bad
Japanese internment camps--good. Wait, what were
these?
Truman Doctrine--smart
Vietnam--mistake
Winning Cold War--credit all around to postwar
Republican and Democratic presidents alike
Gross human rights violations in name of winning Cold
war--credit all around, except to Jimmy Carter
Women getting the vote--good...for women! Just
kidding, it's good for everybody.
African-Americans geting the vote--good...for
African-Americans! kidding again, good for Democrats.
Making mistakes--bad but inevitable
Correcting mistakes--good, not inevitable.
Calling those who point out mistakes
"unpatriotic"--itself unpatriotic
Owning up to our mistakes--brave
America--Home of the brave.
...From "Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them; A
Fair and Balanced Look at the Right" by Al Franken
Thursday, October 02, 2003
I've realized in the hours since I posted last, that perhaps some expansion on the habits, care and feeding of my boyfriends/dates is in order for clarification purposes. The classification of the homo sapiens sapiens var. amator elizabethian will have multiple categories: name, age (in relation to mine), career, major hobbies, political leanings, intelligence, cleverness, hair/eye color/height, major psychological or physical problems.
1. Matt #1, 3 years younger than me (15), student, football, WWF, rock and roll, apolitical, not stupid, a bit thick (he was a teenage boy! Remember!), brown, brown, 5'10", fixated on women (like an unneutered puppy), lots of acne.
2. Matt # 2, 5 years older than me (23), unemployed, drinking,rock and roll, volleyball, weightlifting, conservative, smart, clever, brown, brown, 5'9", depressed (reasonably enough)--child of divorce, no fatherly contact (and issues), alcoholic mother, raising his own younger brother.
3. Paul, my age (19-21), student-unemployed-student, rock and roll (college radio station DJ, several garage bands), writer (and a good one, too), smart, funny, clueless, college liberal/apolitical, brown, blue, 5"11, extreme allergies/asthma, depression and fixation on a father who had died 5 years previously---very "lost generation".
4. Bryan, 4 years older than me (23-27), graphic designer, rock and roll, spelunking, art for pleasure, liberal, not very smart (conversations contained a lot of Really? I didn't know that. and blank looks), able to survive on his own, blond, blue, 6'3", incredibly needy and clingy, was raised by his grandmother who blamed his mother for holder here precious son back---vocally.
5. Rob, 12 years older than me (27-39), rocket scientist, rock and roll, collecting (anything: art, cd's, cars, motorcycles, hat pins, t-shirts), cleanliness (if the old saying holds true, he is very godly by now), smart, clever, conservative (practicing catholic), brown, brown, 6'3", depressed, alcoholic, rage control issues, control issues, obsessive compulsive, cheap, permed his hair, father issues (dead father), precancerous colon issues.----this list is almost endless.
6. Eddie, 9 years older than me (31-40), computer software designer, rock and roll, literature, alcohol, video games, smart, clever, California liberal, bald, brown, 5'10", depressed (the one who went back on to Prozac), divorced.
7. Jeff, 8 years older than me (31-39), professor, rock and roll (played guitar, badly), literature, alcohol, brilliant, clever, extreme liberal (atheist, libertarian), blond/bald, blue, 5'10", former smoker and pot user (every day) that missed it, drank copiously instead, incapable of emotion good or bad (I think the seratonin system had been abused to the point of malfunction---instead of joyous, he was pleased, instead of angry he was upset) the psychological term is "anhedonia".
8. Roger, 3 years older than me (32-35) grad student (permanent student--had a BS, JD, MS and was working on his PhD), country music (horrors!) literature/the printed word, outdoor adventure, former racist conservative turned (so he said) libertarian (but still not afraid to use the word kike and nigger in everyday conversation, good times!), blond/bald, blue, 5'10", non-drinker/non-smoker--he gets off on danger and risk taking instead, proud of the fact that he can browbeat a mechanic (referred to as Hop-Sing), proud to have never earned more than $20,000 in a year, belongs to almost every organization it is possible to---several conflicting memberships (ACLU, Libertarian party, stringer for the Jubilee white supremacist organization/paper---again, I could go on and on). Reason to never believe people who espouse several extreme views can change.
hmmmmm. perhaps, booze, rock and roll, depressed men and books are my problem. well, probably not books.
1. Matt #1, 3 years younger than me (15), student, football, WWF, rock and roll, apolitical, not stupid, a bit thick (he was a teenage boy! Remember!), brown, brown, 5'10", fixated on women (like an unneutered puppy), lots of acne.
2. Matt # 2, 5 years older than me (23), unemployed, drinking,rock and roll, volleyball, weightlifting, conservative, smart, clever, brown, brown, 5'9", depressed (reasonably enough)--child of divorce, no fatherly contact (and issues), alcoholic mother, raising his own younger brother.
3. Paul, my age (19-21), student-unemployed-student, rock and roll (college radio station DJ, several garage bands), writer (and a good one, too), smart, funny, clueless, college liberal/apolitical, brown, blue, 5"11, extreme allergies/asthma, depression and fixation on a father who had died 5 years previously---very "lost generation".
4. Bryan, 4 years older than me (23-27), graphic designer, rock and roll, spelunking, art for pleasure, liberal, not very smart (conversations contained a lot of Really? I didn't know that. and blank looks), able to survive on his own, blond, blue, 6'3", incredibly needy and clingy, was raised by his grandmother who blamed his mother for holder here precious son back---vocally.
5. Rob, 12 years older than me (27-39), rocket scientist, rock and roll, collecting (anything: art, cd's, cars, motorcycles, hat pins, t-shirts), cleanliness (if the old saying holds true, he is very godly by now), smart, clever, conservative (practicing catholic), brown, brown, 6'3", depressed, alcoholic, rage control issues, control issues, obsessive compulsive, cheap, permed his hair, father issues (dead father), precancerous colon issues.----this list is almost endless.
6. Eddie, 9 years older than me (31-40), computer software designer, rock and roll, literature, alcohol, video games, smart, clever, California liberal, bald, brown, 5'10", depressed (the one who went back on to Prozac), divorced.
7. Jeff, 8 years older than me (31-39), professor, rock and roll (played guitar, badly), literature, alcohol, brilliant, clever, extreme liberal (atheist, libertarian), blond/bald, blue, 5'10", former smoker and pot user (every day) that missed it, drank copiously instead, incapable of emotion good or bad (I think the seratonin system had been abused to the point of malfunction---instead of joyous, he was pleased, instead of angry he was upset) the psychological term is "anhedonia".
8. Roger, 3 years older than me (32-35) grad student (permanent student--had a BS, JD, MS and was working on his PhD), country music (horrors!) literature/the printed word, outdoor adventure, former racist conservative turned (so he said) libertarian (but still not afraid to use the word kike and nigger in everyday conversation, good times!), blond/bald, blue, 5'10", non-drinker/non-smoker--he gets off on danger and risk taking instead, proud of the fact that he can browbeat a mechanic (referred to as Hop-Sing), proud to have never earned more than $20,000 in a year, belongs to almost every organization it is possible to---several conflicting memberships (ACLU, Libertarian party, stringer for the Jubilee white supremacist organization/paper---again, I could go on and on). Reason to never believe people who espouse several extreme views can change.
hmmmmm. perhaps, booze, rock and roll, depressed men and books are my problem. well, probably not books.
Over the next few posts, for your edification and my clarification, I am going to be exploring the murky, meandering history of romance in my life. This has 2 goals: to entertain you, dear reader, and to allow me to explore the possibilities of why things in my lovelife are as ineffectual as they seem to be. Some themes we will look at are to include: "the same boyfriend again and again, is surprisingly, no better at 40 than he was at 20", "sex, though fun, is no reason to continue beating a dead horse (no pun intended)", "healthy relationships are not competitions" and many others.
The Beginnings.
Although a strong contender in "catch-'em-kiss-'em" games on the playground, I developed into an awkward ugly duck stage early on (I was 11, in black rimmed glasses, and weird curly hair---I was also smarter by about 9 yards than anyone else in my peer group---and too young to know the potential detriment thereof). While others in my classes were discovering each other (I only found out how much at a much later date---it made the kids in the sex ring scandal down in Georgia look positively tame--eg. Justine Calvin and Gretchen Larson, both girls of my age group, had a contest of sorts when we were in HS. Which girl could fuck the most boys in a calender year....yeah, niiiiice.)
I held my own in books, my first kiss coming only when I was 15, on a field trip to Washington DC. And he (Bob Bourett from Conneticut) threw me over for a local honey.
I finally had a boyfriend my senior year of school; I succumbed to the chronic nagging/begging of a boy 2 years younger than myself to go out with him. As was to be my MO for a while (and I still revert to it, now and again...) I was more ashamed of him (the 2 year difference) than excited. That was a short lived thing, but, at least, I thought, now the next time it will be easier (a boyfriend, that is...)
mmmwwwbwaaaahahahahaha!
Anyway---in college, I followed the old pattern of "Oh, you like me? Well, lets get joined at the hip....or I'll hound you until you run every time you see me....your choice."
My first boyfriend chose the first option (joined at the hip). I hated him for various reasons within 6 months. My second boyfriend was a better match--mentally, lifestyle wise---but, silly boy, he chose the second option. That ended badly. (To be fair, this was age 18-20 for me, not the most stable time in anyone's life.) Third boyfriend reversed the method on me---hounded me until I ran screaming into the night. (Professional school is no place for romance, unless they are right there with you....and that's a sickness all in its own). First adult boyfriend was like dating second college boyfriend all over...I chased, he ran, then he drank, and drank
and drank,
and drank some more.
And then he became abusive. But never a quitter, I kept at it until one day, in the gym, while on yet another drunken cel-phone call from boyfriend #4, a fat, naked, National Geographic titted women informed me repeatedly "you deserve better, honey." And she was right!
Thinking I had finally broken some destructive patterns (and staying single by choice for ~a year) I began dating again. And somehow dated Boyfriends #2 and #4 again in#5. Although the attraction/affection was equal, I began to get worried when we had the conversation---him" I'm so glad you convinced me to get medical help for my depression, I'mBACK ON Prozac and feel so much better.
No he didn't, and I didn't either. Run, Run Away!
The Beginnings.
Although a strong contender in "catch-'em-kiss-'em" games on the playground, I developed into an awkward ugly duck stage early on (I was 11, in black rimmed glasses, and weird curly hair---I was also smarter by about 9 yards than anyone else in my peer group---and too young to know the potential detriment thereof). While others in my classes were discovering each other (I only found out how much at a much later date---it made the kids in the sex ring scandal down in Georgia look positively tame--eg. Justine Calvin and Gretchen Larson, both girls of my age group, had a contest of sorts when we were in HS. Which girl could fuck the most boys in a calender year....yeah, niiiiice.)
I held my own in books, my first kiss coming only when I was 15, on a field trip to Washington DC. And he (Bob Bourett from Conneticut) threw me over for a local honey.
I finally had a boyfriend my senior year of school; I succumbed to the chronic nagging/begging of a boy 2 years younger than myself to go out with him. As was to be my MO for a while (and I still revert to it, now and again...) I was more ashamed of him (the 2 year difference) than excited. That was a short lived thing, but, at least, I thought, now the next time it will be easier (a boyfriend, that is...)
mmmwwwbwaaaahahahahaha!
Anyway---in college, I followed the old pattern of "Oh, you like me? Well, lets get joined at the hip....or I'll hound you until you run every time you see me....your choice."
My first boyfriend chose the first option (joined at the hip). I hated him for various reasons within 6 months. My second boyfriend was a better match--mentally, lifestyle wise---but, silly boy, he chose the second option. That ended badly. (To be fair, this was age 18-20 for me, not the most stable time in anyone's life.) Third boyfriend reversed the method on me---hounded me until I ran screaming into the night. (Professional school is no place for romance, unless they are right there with you....and that's a sickness all in its own). First adult boyfriend was like dating second college boyfriend all over...I chased, he ran, then he drank, and drank
and drank,
and drank some more.
And then he became abusive. But never a quitter, I kept at it until one day, in the gym, while on yet another drunken cel-phone call from boyfriend #4, a fat, naked, National Geographic titted women informed me repeatedly "you deserve better, honey." And she was right!
Thinking I had finally broken some destructive patterns (and staying single by choice for ~a year) I began dating again. And somehow dated Boyfriends #2 and #4 again in#5. Although the attraction/affection was equal, I began to get worried when we had the conversation---him" I'm so glad you convinced me to get medical help for my depression, I'mBACK ON Prozac and feel so much better.
No he didn't, and I didn't either. Run, Run Away!
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Here's a great page for sig lines/quotes of all kinds. Such as
"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."
Saki (1870 - 1916)
"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."
Saki (1870 - 1916)
Schroedinger's Cat. A classic experiment in quantum mechanics, explained rather well here, which states (in a nutshell) that possibility is infinite and paradoxical. Without looking in the box (or bag), one never knows whether Kitty lives or dies. Metaphysically, this can be seen as the wonder of the next bend in the road, or turn of the page, or the breathless expectation before meeting someone (someone mostly male) new. Practically (as practical as quantum mechanics can ever be) speaking, its more prosaic and wondrous at the same time.
My once upon a time friend Beth Kent and I used to make a game of "The Box". We would dream of placing first 1 person or another in "the Box" to suffer the waiting for the isotope to drop; it evolved into an elaborate farce where we would put people we wanted to punish with each other's company in said box before the drop of the atom. And then we set "the Box" adrift on a shoreless sea, so there could be no escape.
"Do you expect me to talk, Bloefeld?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!!!!
mwwwwaaahahahahahaha!
My once upon a time friend Beth Kent and I used to make a game of "The Box". We would dream of placing first 1 person or another in "the Box" to suffer the waiting for the isotope to drop; it evolved into an elaborate farce where we would put people we wanted to punish with each other's company in said box before the drop of the atom. And then we set "the Box" adrift on a shoreless sea, so there could be no escape.
"Do you expect me to talk, Bloefeld?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!!!!
mwwwwaaahahahahahaha!
